The Abstinence Diaries

So.

How you doin'?

Right, I'm not going to call you 'diary' because that's really dull and girly and plus I like my siblings to think I'm basically incapable of writing. I mean, I'm not sure if Liz can read, and she's the one who I'm in most danger of finding this and all, but anyway, the name 'Diary' sucks. So I'm going to call you Serge, okay? And you know, I'm not sure if diaries have feelings or whatever, or sexualities or races or you know, just general shit that matters, but I want you to know I'm totally cool with you being whatever you want to be. I mean, just cos you're a diary doesn't mean you shouldn't share the same kind of civil rights, does it?

I know, I agree.

Right, so anyway, Serge, hi. Liz is a cow. So I'm having a bet with her over who can last the longest without alcohol, sex etc. Basically, who can live longer on the whole Matthew lifestyle? (If you're reading this Matthew, I love you. Actually, no I don't, what the fuck are you doing looking in Serge? Pervert.) Anyway, I should probably let her win to protect her virtues, but I'm a competitive son of a bitch and there's half of me who's like "YEAH, BEAT HER NOW!"

I'm currently hungover, Serge. Don't be alarmed. You'll get used to it. Or not, seeing as I'm going to win this bet. Maybe I'll be really chipper and alert without a constant headache. And then when Laura decides to sing or what have you, she can sing her heart out and my head won't threaten to implode.

Hey, this bet shit could be good, you know.

Tally ho, Serge.

Okay. This shit is bad.

My head's aching Serge and I'm not even hungover. I can't move, I'm all shivery, I feel like I've got flu. I mean, this is seriously bad. Does that mean I have a habit? And what am I withdrawing from, alcohol, sex or both?
On the upside, I haven't seen much of Liz, either. So boom.

Oh, and guess what? Mel's pregnant. By Lord Fuck-Em-All Jackson. Who I always thought was alright, y'know? But no, he's not anymore, it seems. Ollie's just as angry as me, which was funny cos James didn't understand what he was signing. That's one advantage I have over him, I suppose; I know sign language and he doesn't. Who needs a height advantage when you can sign abuse?

Odette's happy. Willow burst into tears (another reason to hate on Jackson some more, I've decided, causing my little sister to cry). Liz was Liz. Mel I can't decipher. Matthew was his usual quiet, kind self (so nice it makes me sick). Laura is really happy, and she seemed to know already. Nobody in this family ever tells me anything. Okay they tell me things.

But really Serge, all I wanna do is collapse in bed and die at the moment. But I can't because I have to win this bet.

I need Lucy I need a drink.

Why did I start a fucking diary?

Why did I do this fucking bet?

Serge. Serge Serge Serge.

I broke the bet. You disappointed?

Well it's Odair's fault, turning up uninvited (I swear she like lives here) looking fit wondering where I was. And I mean, I was doing FINE.

Okay, I wasn't. I was withdrawing really bad.

Starting to feel a little better now. I mean, I can almost control my language from being foul. I can almost accept Mel being up the duff.

And the weirdest thing happened too. I thought Lu ODAIR was kind of cool today. Weird, huh? I mean, I spend all my time hating on her and then having hate sex with her, it's kind of bizarre imagining any alternative.

I mean, I almost liked her.

Almost.

And I'm right back to hating on her.

She basically just DESTROYED Willow. She gave her condoms to give to Mel as a pregnancy gift.

Yeah it's pretty funny but still.

Willow bless her, thought they were balloons. And asked to play with them.

Scarred, Serge, scarred. Willow is going to be a nun, remember? She's going to never have sex ever. IT'S TOO LATE FOR EVERYONE ELSE, THE FLAG OF CELIBACY MUST BE FLOWN BY WILLOW AND ODDIE.

Odair is a bitch. A funny bitch but a bitch nonetheless A bitch. Here's a picture of a cat what I drew.

So I may or may not have lost Willow.
Willow wandered off today while Odair was round. We spent ages looking for her, it was bloody impossible. Who knew we had more neighbours than just Odair? It's cos she's the only nosy one.

Anyway, it was a little bit scary, her vanishing on us like that. Fuck that. It was mildly terrifying. I thought she was gonna get beaten up or eaten by wolves or taken off to a paedo grotto. I have never been so glad to see her again.

Odair of course was fucking hopeless. Okay, she was alright. Yeah, she did get completely lost too but you know, to be fair, so did I. But let's be honest here, Willow got lost first. Only because I wasn't keeping a very good eye on her.

It would be the good kid, wouldn't it? The one you know think know you can trust. Well, perhaps not. Although, maybe it's a good job she got a bit lost.

She was looking for us.

Odair's house was on fire.

Sorry, Serge! I've just realised I've been totally neglecting your feelings. How are you? Sorry about that. Anyway.

So I was at this party, which was pretty fun. Odair wasn't there though, which was a bit weird. Got totally and utterly trashed as usual, but on the way home I could see this smoke. First of all I thought it was like a volcano, and then I realised there are no volcanoes around here. I don't think. Maybe there are. But like, that doesn't matter, because it wasn't a volcano. Then I thought that Mel had tried to cook or Oddie had done something like set fire to the place, or that maybe it had started raining and Liz had just melted. None of them.

So I run up a few streets, right, and there's this huge smoke cloud. And it's Odair's house.

It was really weird, I sobered up really quickly. (I'm still going to have an enormous hangover tomorrow. God, I should stop drinking.)

Then Willow woke up and so did Loz and they came out to help, but Odair was really stubborn and everything. Well, I would be too, I guess. I think my head might explode. All those siblings to make sure are alive. Blimey.

But still, the weirdest thing happened. I felt really panicked when I saw it was her house, and I kept thinking shit... never mind. And then I was nice to her, which she found weird. Here's what happened:

Me: Are you okay, Odair?
Odair: Rarghrarghrarghrarghfuckingrargh
Me: Would you like to stay with us, Odair?
Odair: Fuckfuckedyfuckfreakyfuckydoohdah
Me: There's a child here Lu.
Odair: ...
Me: ...
Odair: Lu?
Me: How're you, Willow?

I think I'm malfunctioning.

Anyway, they're asleep in the house now. Or well, in the house. I can't sleep. They'll never be able to. I think we're calling Mum and Dad tomorrow. Mel can speak to them. I'll just get angry.

Odair's moving in.

Moving in.

Mel is moving out.

Odair is moving in.

Not the best thing to tell sleep deprived hungover William, methinks. I think even Loz was a little bit shocked, but she got over it quickly.

But ugh, ugh, ugh.

I cannot be in charge. Like, I'm used to being the eldest guy, I'm used to having responsibility, but I always had my safety net of Mel. Now I have no-one to shout at me if I fuck up. Or no-one with more authority. Like, even Laura I'm a few hours older than.

And Odair is going to drive me up the wall. (I just thought of something worryingly dirty then. Bloody hell, I am never gonna manage.)

I would manage FINE if Odair wasn't there. It would be like normal.

Except Melless.

But... oh MERLIN.